After something like 500 iterations with multilingual focus groups, intensive and often heated debates with market research experts and collating the invaluable feedback from amateur and professional spotters from around the world, the five golden rules of Painspotting have finally been cast in stone. In some instances these rules have become so important that they have been enshrined in national law. And, given their importance to living a successful, happy and fulfilling life, they have been replicated below. Please commit to them and if you are that way inclined, use them as a form of self-affirmation every morning when you are in the shower or perhaps sitting on the toilet.

	1. Don't judge a book by its cover    You mustn’t be fooled by initial appearances. What at first glance may seem like a Dubai Deserter may in fact turn out to be a Savvy Squatter who hasn’t bothered to wash for a while. Likewise, a straightforward Cohabiting Divorcee may in fact be an Extended (to breaking point) Family member. First impressions count, sure, but exchanging views with a Buy-to-Let Loser might be somewhat damaging to your financial health and your self-esteem.
	2. Don't pigeonhole       Pains, like all other species on the planet and according to Darwin, are able to adapt, evolve, mutate and cross-fertilize, occasionally leaving you with a slippery, chameleon-like being to contend with. In this way, a Celeb may also be an Attention Seeker, a Protestor, or a Dogger looking for the local car park. There's nothing to stop you ticking off more than one 'Pain' per observation. So do your analysis, and be sure you have got all the qualities of every Pain straight before committing yourself.
	3. Don't be too judgemental The reasons for this are two-fold. First off, Painspotting is about providing an amusing diversion in an otherwise miserable life full of arseholes. Second, we are all Pains of one form or another, and as the saying goes, 'People in glasshouses shouldn’t let their dogs crap on the pavement”.
	4. Don't get into any fist-fights Any suggestion that 'the book, website, or indeed the voices in your head told me to do it' are like a tower of jelly - they won't stand up in a court of law and may end up with you being institutionalised. It might work for politicians, but everyone hates them, so it doesn't count.
	5. Learn to love your Pain This is the trickiest and most testing of all the Golden Rules. But you should learn to love the Pain. For he is your brother. Or your Secure Civil Servant. The Bible tells us to love thy neighbour. And that means 'unconditionally'; even when you want to beat the living daylights out of them.  Besides, if you don't learn to love them, you might just go mad.